


Placid Agitation

by chattering_tchotchke



Series: Oxymorons [1]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, Angst without a happy ending, Gaslighting, Gen, Manipulation, suicide ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-02
Updated: 2018-12-02
Packaged: 2019-09-05 17:36:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16815325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chattering_tchotchke/pseuds/chattering_tchotchke
Summary: In the depths of his heart, Terra was always alone and didn’t want to be—except when he wasn’t.  Then, he always wanted to be.





	Placid Agitation

**Author's Note:**

> I should probably apologize in advance for this. Sorry.

Terra didn’t know how long it had been. He didn’t know how long he’d sat in the darkness, with nothing but his regrets and sometimes Xehanort for company. At best, it had only been a short while—a month or two, maybe?—and the lack of a clock had only _seemed_ to stretch out time. At worst, it had been years outside. It was a fear for him, that someday he’d find out just how long he had been useless in this state. A fear that Xehanort would surely exploit if he knew of it.

  
The old master only ever came when Terra didn’t want him to, and never left until he felt he had sufficiently tormented him. As he was now. Always a speech of his weakness, of the merit of giving up complete control, of his inevitable fade to the darkness even if he didn’t do so. A barrage of derision and scorn, but nothing that he didn’t deserve. And everything he said was somewhat, if not completely, true. Terra was weak, and gullible, and stupid, and worthless; no one with any mind at all would trust Xehanort and take his word at face value.

  
_Your Master did,_ an almost familiar, rough-edged voice filled with regret murmured, _you shouldn’t be blamed, not for everything he failed to realize for so long,_ but Terra pushed the idea down every time it surfaced. All the events that had transpired were his own fault, they had to be—he deserved this; why else would he be here?

  
Perhaps it _would_ be easier for both of them if Terra did give up and sink into an eternal sleep, blanketed in darkness. It would be peaceful, at least, and quiet. He wouldn’t be able to bring any more harm to his friends. Life in this state had no end in sight, only more pain and regret. He could finally rest. Asleep, sorrow would have no place in his heart and mind, nor regret, nor pain, nor guilt, nor anything else.

  
Though—that would leave Xehanort in complete control, able to do whatever he pleased with Terra’s body. And he knew where Ven was, and where Aqua was. No one else did, and who was there to stop him from hunting them down? Terra had never seen him more furious than after that time he had found Aqua in the vast darkness, when he had been so close to ending her in her pent-up despair and sorrow. But then again, he only would have done so after he had exhausted all use for her.

Aqua could fight—she was strong, and smart, and everything Terra wasn’t—but he wanted Xehanort nowhere near her. And who else besides Terra who should make sure of that? 

  
_A terrifying figure, made by rage and pain and shock and desperation, kept alive by a half-remembered but firm promise, standing forever in a land scarred by battle._

  
And suddenly, Terra was filled with regret for even considering such a thing at this time, when doing so would only bring more pain and harm to his friends. He would fight here, no matter the cost or pain to himself. Perhaps that would earn him some redemption in their eyes, if he even could earn such a thing.

  
What was Xehanort even saying, now? Terra decided that it must be the same mantra as always. He was never one for change when one tactic served well enough. Or was he? How much did he really know of the man inside his head, that was not taken from stories told through a rose-colored lens, or unreliable, shaky memories? Had any of them known the true Master Xehanort? Had Eraqus?

  
“Are you listening to me, boy?” Suddenly louder, the old man’s raspy voice snapped Terra out of his reverie.

  
“I didn’t hear anything worth listening to,” Terra replied, taken aback by his own audacity but deciding to press on. Even if he would suffer for it later. “And nothing that I haven’t heard before.”

  
Xehanort’s back was to him; Terra could not have seen the flicker of annoyance that crossed his features, nor the twisted smile that followed.

  
“Impudent words, Terra. But, what else could be expected from the youth who struck down his own Master in anger?”

  
“You—” A snarl of rage, cut off by the weak pain of remembrance.

  
“Were you not the one who attacked Eraqus after he sought to hide and safeguard your brother? I can only recall you babbling all the while about how he planned to kill the boy, consumed by an erraticism your darkness brought upon you.”

  
A soft rustle of fabric sounded as Terra quickly stood up. “Don’t lie to— I was there. You think— I’d never forget what happened. I saw you kill my fa— my Master. I saw you destroy my home and gloat in its ruins.”

  
“You were consumed by your anger then,” Xehanort repeated, “and not long from now you will inevitably be consumed by me. I remember many times from my own youth, that what would fill my vision with red was only ever a twisted reality darkness brought down upon my own heart. Control of my darkness was the only remedy for such happenings. You must give me control of your heart, if you truly wish to protect the things that matter to you.”

  
“Why should I even believe that?” While it was said in shaky and unsure tones, it clearly wasn’t a question he meant for either of them to answer. “I saved Ven’s life, and you took my Master’s before destroying our home. That is what happened.”

  
“The only thing you did was take a refuge the boy sought out, leaving him with no choice other than to become his destiny.” An almost chuckle sounded deep in his throat. Terra still could not see his grinning face. Yes, even here in his heart, it seemed as though this was the place where the boy was weakest. Even if what little of his mind existed was strong enough to fight back on that spire of earth, the emptiness that remained could not do so, not to much effect. “Then, or now, or in the inevitable future, the only remedy that can tame your darkness is to give me control of it.”

  
“Leave.” A single word, his voice almost breaking on it. He hated this, hated knowing his tormentor’s thoughts like this.

  
“It seems you cannot take the truth to heart.” Oh, this _was_ enjoyable. Nothing so entertaining had yet happened in the past here, where all was the same and blurred together into an endless progression of time.

  
“I told you to leave. I will not let you poison my mind with your _lies_.” The boy’s voice finally cracked upward on the last word, like a stained glass window shattering. Chains of light burst into existence and rattled in circles around them both in a show of pathetic and useless force. If he so directed them, they would aim at an oft-targeted gray-coated figure. “You will not take my heart.”

  
With no other option, Xehanort certainly would leave, but not without, never without some choice words with which to give the boy for the time being.

  
“Brave words, Terra. I wonder how long this new sentiment will linger with you. Perhaps even until my next visit.”

  
Terra thrust his hand out toward the old master, the chains rattling around that path. For the briefest moment, a shimmering figure seemed to stand beside him, mimicking his gesture.

  
“I’ve always had it. And I always will.”

  
And just as suddenly as he had come, Xehanort was gone. Terra slumped in relief. He didn’t know how much longer he could keep up this act, pretending that his will was not almost gone. He hid it well enough, he thought, under a veneer of resolution. But if the old man’s thoughts bled over into his own every time he came, then why couldn’t the opposite be true? Who was to say that Xehanort didn’t already know Terra was so utterly close to breaking?

  
But—he couldn’t. Not until everything was resolved, if it ever would be. Not until he knew for himself that Aqua and Ven were completely, assuredly, safe for the rest of their lives. Not until he made things right again, if they ever could be after his missteps. Not until he had given everything for the people that mattered.

  
Later, he decided. He could rest later. Perhaps then he could sleep forever.

**Author's Note:**

> The meta below inspired me to write this piece, my first fanfiction for Kingdom Hearts, and my first fanfiction ever. I really hope you all enjoyed it!  
> Meta: http://ikkinthekitsune.tumblr.com/post/49010089078


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